i fucking miss going for walks in the rain.
well. i guess something a wee bit more personal just to get some shit out there seems appropriate about now.
so
where to start
my name is daniel james herd, named for my father, and his father
and ive been here for 16 years
and people are shit.
i cant really talk about myself well so this may be a bit of a struggle
i had a pretty normal childhood,
nothing traumatic, nothing bad happening
moved house at the end of primary 4 and had to re-adjust
and made new 'friends.'
met jack.
again nothing bad happening
moved to high school
began to develop emotional issues
repressing anger/emotions,
have been my whole life
(no one knows)
went through 2 years of up and down
talked to my doctor
told me i had type 2 bipolar disorder
(4 people know, unless you're reading this, my parents don't know.)
recovering
and here we are.
so i guess to go deeper
my ex who i was talking about meant a-hell-of-a-lot to me.
i loved her.
and we drifted apart
and i helped her overcome her depression, (or at least i like to think so)
i only started to develop bipolar 2 shortly before we broke up
and i dont think that us breaking up contributed to it.
because i knew we were gonna break up
shes happy now, and im happy being her friend :)
but i didnt cry
thats a problem i have
relating to the repression shit.
i've cried 2 times since the age of 7
which is fucking shit.
the last time i was off my face and i was so happy to have outlet all this pent up feelings and i was laughing at the same time.
it was so amazing.
i cant even describe
after we broke up i began to start getting worse and worse episodes, as i didnt have anyone to talk to
i began to isolate myself from everyone
and it was that way
and i began missing a lot of school,
especially towards the end of 2008
anyway, about the end of s4
me and jack began goin out on walks late at night
and i could talk to jack about anything
and i love him in the way that i love my family
simply because hes the man
and my best, if one of my only true friends
and i know we're gonna stay in touch
anyway these walks were great
i began to be able to spill my guts again and i know he'd listen
and i began to recover more
and i feel like im not repressing as much now
though i still am
so this is about 3/4 months later
and im feeling better
having less of and less severe episodes
and im feeling better
i dont know why i got depressed.
and i feel like shit sometimes when i've got nothing wrong with my life and there are people who have been put through so much fucking bull shit by other people, and im depressed for nothing.
so this is another reason why people are shit.
another one is simply put,
humans are miserable
and parents are wanting their kids to grow up the same way as them, and they're in denial about how miserable they are.
i think reuben put it best when talking about human interactions
So one day somebody asks you how you feel,
And instead of telling the truth,
You reel off a list of things you think they want to hear,
Because it's easier that way,
And so they treat you like this completely different person,
Because all they know about you is misinformation,
And you gradually detatch yourself from all your actions
which makes so much sense
as we as humans dont communicate.
which is really sad
which is why the world is such a shit place.
DISREGARD THIS PARAGRAPH. IT IS NO LONGER VALID.
anyway
so at this present moment
i am seeing a girl
and she has a boyfriend
who she really loves but hates
which is girls in a nutshell really.
but i like talking to her
and its another outlet along with jack for all this shit.
but she's really cool
and i like her
and
shes just a nice person
but out of my league
by miles
im not confident when it comes to girls
i dont know why
but im always to late in telling them stuff
which isnt cool
i find it hard to talk to people
i find it hard to look people in the face when i talk to them
i never have anything to talk about
im not an interesting person
i dont have interesting stories at parties
i just like to drink.
i like my solitude.
i like to feel strongly for people.
which i do.
i feel im surrounded by people who are only my friends because im there.
which is school.
and i cant open up to people
and im not a good person
and im not a friend
and im not a role model
and im not who everyone follows
and i like my guitar
and i like my bike
and i like my cold walks in rain
i like feeling cold
i love to sleep in the same bed as a girl
and it shouldnt be taken granted for
anyway
i think that everyone's depressed
and music is good
and to know all the words is to not feel
to be sitting up all night analyzing things is not good
not sleeping is not good
smoking is great
drinking is great
whiskey is always good.
the female form is gorgeous
i want to kill
i want to fly
i want to sleep
some words are great
rather, quite, indeed.
6 weeks of nothing
thats my summer.
my name is daniel james herd.
named for my father and for my grand-father.
